Welcome to Our Attic. Each month, I receive a great deal of interesting material that does not fit into any of our other pages. This material can now be found in the attic. Enjoy!

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!

A friend recently told me that he had avoided visiting Florida because he did not want to deal with all the reptiles there. I thought this was a bit extreme until I saw this picture labeled "Why people lock their doors in Florida!" Now even I may think twice...

WHICH PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first." "What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet." The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh ! God, I'm coming, I coming!" "If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her fer sure."

The Nun fainted.

And here's to hoping that your Santa is good to you!

Never let it be said that airline ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. (P stands for the Problem the pilots entered in the log and S stands for the Corrective Action taken by the mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough

S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield

S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud

S: DME volume set to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick

S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engine airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums

S: Reprogrammed radar with the words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed

I recently got to go on a bit of vacation. Went to Arizona to visit a friend of mine. While there we took a side trip to this little canyon they got in them thar parts.... As you can see, it's pretty grand ;-)

Recently my hubby had the opportunity to visit warm Tampa Florida. Of course he did'nt have any fun, knowing I was stuck here in the cold!

Well the scenery was really nice!

And remember, this picnic is being held in... February!

But they can't even afford real plastic flamingos!

Like I said, nice views all 'round

But you can tell he was suffering.... right?

John Hammel

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people the world over are asking! Yes, believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website (frightening, isn't it!) Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?(UK)

A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)

A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)

A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada?  (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)

A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in Canada? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)

A: Only at Thanksgiving. (Webmasters Note: As a Canadian living in the USA, I get this one a lot!)

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?(Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)

A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

What if you received the following message?

I will seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love, The Flu

Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot.

Actual Signs seen on US Highways

Time for another...

Encouraging Word!

"Today, Spanish society is responding to a group of people who for years have been humiliated, whose rights have been ignored, their dignity offended, their identity denied and their freedom restricted. Today Spanish society grants them the respect they deserve, recognizes their rights, restores their dignity, affirms their identity, and restores their liberty." -- Spanish Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodiguez Zapatero addressing the Congress of Deputies, which voted to legalize full same-sex marriage and gay adoption, June 30.

Hmmmm.... I wonder if anyone would even care about your name at this pub?

CHEERS!

Food for thought:

"It's tempting to think there are two gay Americas, one frightened and one fabulous, a merely gay America and a fully Queer America. An America where the gay bars darken their windows to hide ashamed patrons, and an America where straight people stand in line to get into gay clubs. An America where the June 26 Supreme Court decision legalizing sodomy had more than symbolic consequences, since gay sex was still a crime in 13 states. And an America where instead of arresting gays, the police help clear the streets every June for Pride parades, which of course include contingents of gay cops."

-- Time magazine, Oct. 5.

"I think we've already won [the same-sex marriage battle]. And that's a hard thing to remember, because it's really a scary time. But when you look at what has happened in the gay-rights movement in the last 36-37 years, we have progressed further, in a shorter period of time, than any civil-rights movement in the history of the planet, and there's bound to be a backlash. ... Uppity people get uppity and get excited and get organized and there's a backlash. But I truly believe that we have so profoundly impacted the generation behind us that we've already won. We just don't know it yet."

-- "Queer as Folk's" Peter Paige (Emmett) to the St. Louis gay newspaper The Vital Voice, May 13.

"[Contrary to George W. Bush's statement,] it is simply a fact that marriage is 'an evolving paradigm.' For the first millennium after Christ, Christianity didn't even recognize marriage as a sacrament. It was regarded as a purely secular matter of property ownership. Marriage also once meant the ownership of women by men. It was once permanent, and no divorce was possible. It was once restricted to couples of the same race. The notion that it has never changed is simply untrue. The only relevant question is whether the current change [opening marriage to same-sex couples] is a good one. The president doesn't answer that question. He simply asserts it, based on nothing but bad history and ignorance."

-- Gay writer Andrew Sullivan, a former Bush supporter, writing at CBSNews.com, July 13.

George Dubya and Dick Cheney are watching the 6 o'clock news one evening. Cheney bets Dubya $50 that the man in the lead story, who is threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump. "I'll take that bet," Dubya replied.

A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped from the building. Cheney, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident, turns to Dubya and tells him that he does not need to pay the $50.

"No, a bet's a bet," Dubya replied, "I owe you $50 dollars."

Cheney, feeling even more guilty, replied, "No, you don't understand, I saw the 3:00 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out."

"That's okay," said Dubya, "I saw it earlier too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

I heard him trying to break in.

I ran to the cabinet grabbed my automatic, slammed the clip in and chambered a round. I was scared as I snuck down the hall to the back door.

I also grabbed a flash light.

I opened the door as quietly and as slowly as I could.

I  tip toed to the side of the house where I heard him still working on the screen.

I turned the corner and put the flashlight and gun in his face.

I yelled, "Hands up!" as he turned to face me

Yep! It was a CAT BURGLAR!

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and  listened to her prayers - which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and good-bye grandpa."

The father said, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"

The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do'

The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her  prayers  which went like this - "God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma. Next day the grandmother died.

My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless mommy and good-bye daddy."

He practically went into shock. Couldn't sleep all night and got up at the  crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."

With a little editing, I thought story this made a nice sentiment...

A tourist walks into a curio shop in New York. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat.  It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it. He takes it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"  "$12 for the rat, $100 for the story," says the owner.  The tourist gives the man $12. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."  As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing.  He begins to trot toward the Hudson, looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the river, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can.  Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the water after it, and are all drowned.  The man walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," says the owner, "you have come back for the story?"  "No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Republican."

While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

"Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now look here Colin Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb ass."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ass, It's Tony Blair!"

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Medical Director became aware of Mary's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news." "The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses." "The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom.  I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied, "Thank you for releasing me director, but you're wrong. He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

And now a moment of Zen...

Please consider this excellent advice for improving your health!

Also; let's hear it for the Mayor of San Francisco! It seems that treating the GLBT community as human beings worthy of basic human rights, like the right to get married, is having good effects in unexpected places; as can be seen in this AP news item:

PHNOM PENH, Cambodia - After watching TV images of gay weddings in San Francisco, Cambodia's King Norodom Sihanouk said Friday that homosexual couples should be allowed to get married.

Since the Cambodian government chose in 1993 to be a "liberal democracy, I think it should allow marriage between man and man ... or between woman and woman," the king said in a signed statement in French posted on his Web site.

The king, currently on a medical visit to Beijing, also said that transvestites should be "accepted and well-treated in our national community."

Sihanouk is a constitutional monarch with no executive powers but is highly respected in his country. Gay couples are not allowed to marry in Cambodia.

San Francisco has issued more than 2,800 marriage licenses to gay couples in the past week, amid a growing debate in the United States over whether such unions should be allowed. Sihanouk said in his Web site statement that he saw TV footage of gay weddings there.

Perhaps you've heard of the recent movie "Finding Nemo"? Well find out what really happened. Click Here!

Some people think that it is mandatory to think the children are cute and perfect. Here are some snappy comebacks I wish I had thought of when I was a wee little devil!

Oh ya. If you missed them, be sure to check out the latest trends in CONDOM MARKETING!